This blog is a space where I share my spirituality, the loss of my son, and the raw grief I live with as I find my path again.
My spiritual path has always been one of many paths - a messy path. Sometimes I walked closely with it, and other times I drifted away for years, too busy doing human things like being a parent, working, and getting caught up in daily life. I forgot about the bigger picture, and I forgot to take care of myself. Even as a child, I always felt a strong pull toward spirituality and nature. As a teenager, I loved tarot cards, but I never truly learned how to use them - I was busy being a teenager and worrying about friends.
About a decade ago, I began to get more interested in spirituality and religion again. I started exploring different paths. Wiccan, Buddhist, and Native American teachings called to me and felt like a good fit for my beliefs. I've always joked that nature is my temple.
Along this journey, I became friends with Kathleen. She is very knowledgeable in Buddhism, tarot, oracle readings, and teaching shamanic journeys. Kathleen took me on as a student. As a teacher, she opened my eyes to how vast the universe is, and how there is so much more than just us humans on this Earth. With her help, I found my footing and began blending Wiccan, Buddhist, and Native American paths into my life. I was given a clan within Native culture and my Native name - Feather Sitting Dirt, later changed to Feather Standing Dirt - a name I honour.
Through shamanic journey courses, my eyes opened even more to how immense this universe (and others) truly is. I met animal protectors, spirit guides, and teachers. I visited places beyond this world. I also began learning to use tarot and oracle cards with guidance from my spirit guides.
My son shared this world with me. He took shamanic courses and nature courses, learning how to communicate and connect with plants, trees, and spirits. Life was still messy, but with my son beside me and my eyes opening beyond the physical world, I felt like I was finally finding my way.
Then, on October 27, 2022, my whole world shattered. Everything came crashing down, changing my life, my beliefs, and my very core. "Angry" doesn't even begin to describe what I felt - and still feel. The pain I carry every second leaves me wondering how and why I am still here, how I wake up every day breathing without my only child. My son, Tucker, was taken from me at 16 years old. He was my everything. Losing him made me give up on life. My trust in the universe and spirit shattered along with my heart and soul.
I'm not going to say that three years later I have learned to lean on my spirituality to heal, because that wouldn't be true. I am still so angry that my son is gone. I struggle every single day with mental health challenges - complex grief, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. My mind feels jumbled, and I struggle to speak clearly the way I used to. Every day is a battle to find even a small sense of hope, peace, or love beneath the anger.
But I also can't say I've fully lost my spirituality - that would be untrue as well. I stopped practicing, stopped learning, and my life came to a standstill. I stopped journeying, cleansing my house, using my tarot and oracle cards, and interpreting dreams, even though I was told I was a dream interpreter.
This will forever be an internal struggle while I am on this Earth. My hope in sharing my journey - now three years, one month, and two weeks since I lost my boy, Tucker - is that maybe I will become friends with the stranger in the mirror. Maybe I will learn who she is, learn to love her, be kind to her, and through that, embrace peace and spirituality again. Maybe I can learn how to live in this world without my son and still hold on to my beliefs. I believe my son is still with me and will help me walk this new path, carrying the unconditional love he always had.
Maybe my posts will help others who are in this club we never asked to join. If you are reading this and you have lost a child, as lonely as it feels, you are not alone. I am here for you.
As I step into this new year, I do not come with hope or dreams. I enter it slowly, resisting, carrying the weight of another year without Tucker. Time does not soften this loss. It only marks the distance from the last time I held my son. This is not pain that fades - it lives, it breathes, it stays.
I remember how deeply I once searched for understanding. I immersed myself in spiritual knowledge, universal ideas, truths about the unseen, believing that somewhere in all that learning I would find peace. That if I understood enough, something would finally make sense. But now I sit here still lost, still angry, still unsure, wondering how any of it helps me survive a life where my child no longer exists physically.
From the beginning, Tucker sent me signs. I feel this not in my bones, but in my soul. Gifts arriving through others. Moments too intentional to be random. I know my son's energy is woven into them. These signs opened a doorway in me - to wonder what exists beyond this life. Is it hope? Is it love continuing in another form? I don't have answers. I only know that some things are not a coincidence. They arrive with purpose.
As I opened myself spiritually, I began to understand that signs are everywhere. Spirit speaks quietly. Energy moves softly. The universe does not shout - it whispers. And grief has tuned me to hear those whispers more clearly than ever before.
I hold onto the belief that Tucker is beside me still, as he was when he lived - the one who believed in me without hesitation, who loved me without condition. The love of a child is pure, untouched by judgment or expectation. My body aches for that love, but my soul aches even deeper. It longs for his presence, his essence, his nearness. I am learning that love does not end with the physical, but is not only connected spiritually - it continues to grow spiritually as well.
Since Tucker passed, he has cared for me in ways only he could. The things he leaves for me to find. The moments when people feel compelled to show up, to give, to speak - guided by something they cannot explain. Others believe this should be enough. Enough proof. Enough comfort. Enough reassurance.
What they do not understand is that these signs hold both light and devastation. They give me hope that my son still exists somewhere beyond this realm, and at the same time they tear me open - as if I am losing him all over again. Grief does not move forward. It circles. It waits. Then it crashes into you without warning, no matter how much time has passed. It can bring you to your knees in a matter of seconds.
I will always accept the signs my son gives me. Always. I want them. I need them. I want to live with the love he embodied so effortlessly. I hope one day I can rise again - not because I have healed, not because I have moved on - but because I have learned how to exist without his physical presence.
Along this pat, I have learned how even kind words can wound. Being told that Tucker would not want me to suffer, that he would want me to live my life, may sound comforting - but it cuts deeply. When a parent already carries the unbearable guilt of not being able to save their child, being told they are now grieving incorrectly adds another layer of pain. What we need is not correction. We need to be seen. A hug. A quiet acknowledgement. Or silence that holds us without judgment.
As I step into 2026, I will continue to look for my son in the quiet spaces. I will listen. I will remain open. I want to reconnect with my spirit animals, my guides, my teachers -the energies that move quietly around us, unseen but deeply felt. Though I have been forever changed by this loss, I still hold my spiritual beliefs close. They are part of who I am, part of how I survive. And while I do not know where this path will lead, I can only hope that this year allows me to begin finding my new way forward - not the life I once had, but the one I am learning how to live.
Colours and Meanings
Black - Protection, banishing negativity, strong boundaries
White - Cleansing, peace, spiritual clarity, all-purpose substitute
Red - Strength, courage, passion, vitality
Pink - Love, self-love, emotional healing, friendship
Green - Money, growth, healing, abundance
Blue - Calm, communication, emotional balance, truth
Purple - Spiritual power, intuition
Yellow - Confidence, joy, creativity, mental clarity
Orange - Motivation, success, opportunity, energy
Brown - Stability, grounding, home matters
Gold - Success, confidence, prosperity, solar energy
Silver - Intuition, dreams, lunar energy, reflection
If you do not have the "correct" colour, white can be used for any spell, and your intention matters the most.
Spell jars and spell pouches are something I've always enjoyed making, and they became even more meaningful during the time I shared that practice with Tucker. Those moments of choosing items, setting intentions, and creating something together are memories I still hold close. Even now, when I make jars or pouches, it feels like a quiet way of staying connected to that time and to him. For me, this kind of magic has never been about perfection or strict rules. It's about heart, intention, and the love we carry with us. These jars and pouches are simple, gentle ways to hold protection, healing, hope, and prayer - created with meaning, not pressure to do everything "right".
Traditionally, spell jars are made of glass because it is natural, earth-based, and symbolically linked to clarity and containment. Glass is a good choice if you plan to keep the jar in one place, such as on an altar, shelf, or near a doorway, or if you may later return the contents to the earth when the spell is complete.
Plastic can also be used when glass is unsafe or impractical, such as when you need something lightweight or portable. While plastic is not traditional, intention matters more than perfection. Magic should fit into real life, and using what you have is always valid.
Spell pouches are small fabric bags filled with meaningful items and tied closed. They are ideal for spells you want to keep close to you or carry throughout the day. You can use a premade pouch or create your own by placing your items in the center of a square piece of cloth, gathering the corners upward, and tying it closed with ribbon, string, twine, or yarn.
In the end, magic is not truly about the jar or the pouch. It is about intention, belief, and the quiet weaving of our words and thoughts into the energy of the universe. When we focus, speak, and feel with purpose, we are already creating change. The jar or pouch simply gives that energy a place to rest and grow.
Trust your intuition, trust your heart, and remember that your magic begins with you.
Before beginning, it is important to cleanse your jar or pouch both physically and spiritually. Physically, wash jars with soap and water and gently clean or shake out fabric pouches if needed. Spiritually, you can cleanse using smoke from incense or herbs, sound such as bells or clapping, moonlight, prayer, breath, or visualization. There is no single correct method - cleansing is about resetting the energy and preparing the container for your intention.
Before adding anything to your jar or pouch, take time to be clear about what the spell is for and what you are asking for spiritually or emotionally. Hold the container and state your intention out loud or silently. As you add each item, connect it to that purpose. Without intention, the jar or pouch is simply a container. With intention, it becomes a spiritual tool.
Many people choose to seal spell jars with candle wax once the items and intentions are inside. This step is both practical and symbolic, helping to "lock in" the energy of the spell and mark the work as complete. To seal your jar, light a candle that matches your intention and carefully drip wax around the lid and edges of the jar while focusing on your goal or speaking a short affirmation or prayer. Always work on a fire-safe surface and take your time with this step.
You can choose candle colours that support your intention, but if you do not have the exact colour you want, white can be used for any spell. Your intention is what matters most.
Pouches are not sealed with wax. Instead, the knot itself acts as the seal, holding your intention inside the bag.
Working with moon phases can add extra support to your spell, though it is never required. The new moon is often used for setting intentions and new beginnings, the waxing moon for growth and building energy, the full moon for manifestation and charging, and the waning moon for releasing and cleansing. You can work your spell whenever you feel called to do so, but moon phases can help guide the type of energy you are inviting in.
Some people also like to work with the energy of different days of the week. Monday is often linked to emotions and healing, Tuesday to strength and protection, Wednesday to communication and clarity, Thursday to growth and abundance, Friday to love and harmony, Saturday to grounding and banishing, and Sunday to confidence and success. These associations are meant to support your work, not limit it.